Manny could not have loved two people more had they been his biological parents.
He was 21 when he found out he’d been adopted. But he didn’t react angry and confused as most adoptees from whom the truth about their origins were withheld until maturity. He accepted without remorse as was explained that his biological teenaged mother would not have given him up, had his biological teenaged father married her. At 21 Manny had already been through his own first love and heartbreak to understand that shotgun marriages, more often than not, result in loveless unions. In his birth mother’s case, youth, meager means, and much shame had been the reasons she had walked away from a child she could only have loved under ideal conditions.
After 15 years of marriage, his adoptive parents gave up trying for a child of their own. It will remain their secret how they managed to keep a fake pregnancy and real adoption from their extended family. But the baby was a product of the ethnic pool both sets of parents shared, so the “cover” must have been easy. His slender physical appearance, the way his ears were placed on his head, the almond-shape of his hazel eyes, and the wavy chocolate colored hair of the child named Manny could easily have come from the mold of his adoptive mother’s clan.
“Did you ever have the feeling you didn’t belong to that family?” I asked him once. “No,” he answered. “Except… My mother told me, that once when I was about five years old cuddling next to her on the sofa watching TV, she said to me, ‘Manny, Manny, Manny, what am I going to do with you?’ She said I looked up at her and I whispered: ‘please keep me.’”
“Wow, interesting,” I commented, looking at him from the corner of my eyes.
“Really, at some unconscious level, I must have known.”
These days Manny occasionally wonders if he should try to find his biological mother. Not because he is curious about her, but because he’d like her to know that he was loved and cherished by a couple who had also loved each other dearly; that he has children of his own, a happy marriage and a lovely home in the suburbs. “Perhaps she wonders how I fared in life,” he muses, “and knowing I am well may be comforting to her in her waning years.” Touching, that he thinks of her more than of himself, that contacting the aging woman would be for her, not his benefit.
From what I can tell, Manny leads a life of significant contentment. He’s a devoted husband, a father of two young boys, and as a stay-at-home dad he pretty much controls most of the family’s agenda. He learned to cook following his mother around in the kitchen, and kitchen chores are shared with his wife who makes breakfast for the children. Lunch boxes and dinner are his realm. Yesterday he picked up wild mushrooms at the farmer’s market, and last night the family sat down to a stew of wild mushrooms with buttered parpadelle. “Like my mom used to make in summer,” he said proudly. In the fall, he rakes the fallen leaves of the weeping willow in their yard, mulches the flowerbeds in spring, shovels the snow in winter. I compliment him on how well he manages his family life and tell him what a great dad and husband I think he is. “You’re like my mother,” he says to that, “Like her, you say things to me that make me happy.” I blushed with pleasure and wondered if he said it to please me. I am his mother’s age.
Where love is sown, there’s love to be reaped. Manny had no reason to question his parent’s love for him, and reciprocally he loves them unconditionally. He is well rounded and at ease with himself and because of that, quite unwilling to question the love he received because all early memories are good. His life now is also good. In the greater scheme of things, isn’t that what we hope to have accomplished for our children, for ourselves?
Manny is still young, but the time will come when he’ll start asking introspective questions such as: Why am I needing to control so much of what goes on in my family? Why do I feel the need to please everyone: family, friends, even clients? Why do I have difficulty paying attention to detail? When he does, he will look at issues of abandonment.
What would his answers be, I wonder? What do you think they might be? I’d love to hear from you.
